Friday, September 30
the past week had been......eventful. how do i put this... i guess life isnt life without all it's ups and downs, but this is just too tiring. maybe i let it affect me too much. but you know when u cant help but care about sth? ohwell.
so monday was actually quite fun cus we (me jiele cailing yinshan siyi anise laura wanwen alvin(?) wenzhong(?!)) had a steamboat in the canteen. i felt really bad for not going along to buy the food in the end, but it was cus i just came back from jp when they wanted to go there to buy the stuffs! but i helped to prepare anw so. steamboat isnt that difficult to prepare if u're just looking for edible food and fun with friends i guess. the soup was made up of chicken cube or tomyum cube cus anise brought her double pot! woo~ and i gotta admit that tomyum aint bad after all! well we took pictures, i took a video(i shld ttly consider going professional) and we ate! i had a blast with the udon! the whole time there i was just stuck in my little circle with udon and i, and we were having the time of our lives.
tuesday was the most traumatising of all i think. wait i dont even think traumatising's the word. it was more like, disturbing. the thought of going onto stage and standing next to those anorexics is just... whatever. it's like not to put myself down or whatever, but i mean i'm nth close to goodlooking in terms of looks or figure in any way. and this is nth about popularity or how many votes i get. it's just that if i were some other person in our sch, my first reaction upon seeing "Germaine Tan" on the HUMONGOUS GIGANTIC screen would be, "OMG. seriously?!!" and i'm sure that happened somewhere in the auditorium when i was trying to hide under my huge Nike-bag-which-every-PRC-seem-to-carry but to no avail. (not to mean anything, but why do all of them look like they have the same bag?!! ohwell, i guess good taste is international.) and on that day itself i'd be like, "omg she actually has the face to stand up there?!" and i dont want to be such a spoilsport and a loser and go like "aiya i dont wna go la" or "ohshit i refuse to step up there" even though it's similar to what i'm feeling inside. ppl say i shld just go up there and "have fun". it's not always so fun up there ok.. if you happen to do sth right and the response is good, then you have fun! but once you say sth weird or like, just lame, then it's down the slippery slope for you~. ah wdv la. anw it would be after alvls then and everything will turn out fine? god please let everything run smoothly please! and to think i wanted to go without makeup and a lame dress. kudos to me then.
on wednesday and thursday it was just pia-ing tuition essays and math. needless to say the essays were lousy. speaking of math anw, i dont like my results. i guess it's better than giving up like gp cus it means that i'm hopeless, but i know that i can do better and it scares me. what if i dont?! okay i shld give up these loserish thoughts. gp was hopeless as usual.
yknw seeing people around me get better with just a simple increase in effort and i'm deproving despite an increase in effort, i cant help feeling demoralised. stagnating is one thing. stricter marking is another thing. but when your grades keep going down like nobody's business, u know that it is more than just no-thing. okay so i'm supposed to find contentment in my own life instead of comparing my life with other people cus our lives may just be 2 completely different roads that happened to come within sight for awhile. but is doing that just a lazy way of telling myself it's okay not to push myself to achieve? is there anything wrong with not going for the best, or not pushing yourself to 'your best'? i'm sorry, maybe i havent tried hard enough, but i just cannot be so determined and single-minded like some people with studying. well i guess i can last longer with other things that i like. but i also know that whatever you do in life cannot always be something that you like cus life never works out that way (except for those bastards whose lives are just perfect). i'm confused.
my family's quite hooked on the X-factor nowadays and it doesnt help that i've moved back now. but watching those people just blast it all out and sing their hearts out in the audition, i cannot help but think why cant that be me. i seriously need to get a grip and stop looking at others and wishing i were them or wdv, but.....still working on it. how do they even belt like that so seemingly effortlessly?!! okay it's not totally because i want a voice like theirs so that my dad will finally admit that i sing better than him, but it's also cus everytime they sing like that, i can feel that the singer themself let go. and when i hear them hit those notes, i am brought to that high spot with them for awhile. i guess i will have to settle for the second-best induced high spots instead of singing them myself and hitting those notes i guess. i just dont have the voice.
i hate blogging such emotic stuffs omg, but there seems to be nothing positive nowadays. i'm not complaining that i dont have a life. i'm quite fine with studying, but now it's just: "like that lor."
i dont know what has happened to me nowadays. i seem to have forgotten how to have fun. seriously, even food doesnt turn the Germster on anymore. not sexually cus i dont get an orghairseum every meal, so yknw what i mean.
ps, math and pe are still my fave subjects ;)
laughed at 8:14:00 PM