Wednesday, June 6
Before I start this post, I would like to give a disclaimer. My idea of how a marriage will work out is entirely based on my parents’ marriage.
There was no ‘love at first sight’ shit for my parents. They just met through hanging out with a big group of friends, my father was hideous (and I am not exaggerating when I say hideous) and my mum was a flower (ok hard to say about that because it was only all
according to her) She admitted that she wasn’t in love with my dad when she decided to go out with him, but he was interested in her, and my mum said that my grandmother approved violently. Tbh my parents have very contrasting characters. For a start, my mum was supposedly the partyer and my dad the geek. My mum loved to dance and was supposedly very good (
according to her again of course). But my dad was a horrible dancer. (this one I can imagine.)
But look at how they turned out now! I really look up to my parents in terms of their relationship. In some sense I think it managed to work out with contrasting personalities because one started out loving the other one more. Both of them gave up soooo much just to get together. My dad is an absolute sucker for my mum. She always gets her way idk how it happens. Maybe
sex? Don’t really want to know. But at the same time she respects and gives him the face that he needs. On the other hand my mum gave up her working, free and partying life so that my dad could concentrate on his career and I think that it’s quite a big sacrifice for a person like her, to be cooped up at home all day. She says when u do it for love u’d understand how much easier it is, but I think there are times when she is depressed by her choice. Not that she regrets it, but the cons and the could have beens of staying at home.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/03/fashion/happily-ever-after-divorce.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&src=recgThis article is quite interesting I think. The author addressed many issues, not only on marriage but the reality of human relationships? Idk la but I’ve never seen a writer put divorce in such a normal light and make it sound reasonable.
“A wedding is the cherry atop the dreamy early days. Marriage combined with work and parenthood can be a romance-eroding machine, especially if you have a rambunctious toddler who climbs every refrigerator, parking meter and child-safety gate he sees.
I was comparing the gap between what my husband and I want from marriage and the compatibility of my friends’ expectations. Because having a shared vision for marriage does matter.”This is where it starts; where marriage is not only about love. You can love someone to death but if you still don’t have a shared view of how to live a married life, the marriage will still break down. There are many things in a married life. Where to live (closer to parents or further?), how the house will look like (this may only be a temporary discussion but it is a BIG decision), how many kids (oh this is the worst. When to have it, how to raise them, how much should be spent and when the money should be spent on them), who should be the bread-winner, how finances should be planned and handled. And all these decisions must come from each person’s ranking of the importance of each type of values. Like whether one wants to live a prudent lifestyle, or a happy-go-lucky lifestyle, or to work excessively hard to save up for retirement and or the children’s future. Idk. Marriage seems like a daunting affair.
“We had been discussing our incompatibilities for years. We met at a book party in 2000 and were immediately attracted to each other and to certain aspects of each other’s personality. But while I yearn for a deeply united, soul-mate-style connection, he wants something looser, more independent, less enmeshed.”
"My husband is a good person: hard-working, committed to social justice. But I’ve come to a startling truth about myself: I might be happier with a less ambitious partner, someone less focused on his career and curing the ills of the world and more focused on me, actually, and the piddling details of our family life."See what I meant by in love but marriage fail?!
“I know this may sound as if my family doesn’t respect marriage, but we care about it deeply: we keep breaking up mediocre ones in pursuit of a better match.”I don’t really know if I agree with her on this. The idea for marriage is really too far-fetched for me to put a finger about it. If the idea of marriage is so sacred, then why do you make wrong choices in the first place? (if u read her article, there are sooooo many ppl in her family who have married and divorced multiple times.) Is love that easily to be mistaken?
“Meanwhile, my own long-divorced parents have started spending time together. They went to Mexico for a week. We have taken three family trips. They disagree on politics and how to be a grandparent, but they’re careful of each other’s foibles, solicitous. Their gentleness is a model of how I would like to be in my next relationship, which I hope is a marriage that lasts forever."And then she pops up with something like this and suddenly the idea of divorce doesn’t seem that bad. Her parents act more like a married couple when they are divorced!
“Divorce, I now think, is no more fixed a state than marriage."And this really sealed the deal.
But then you notice how the word ‘marriage’ puts stress on a person. it's as if it's the status of being married that ruins the relationship. sigh the irony. When you’re married you have so much more social pressure and obligations to fulfil. Sometimes one doesn’t expect it and takes it too badly and thus the divorce? I don’t know. But I think this defeats the purpose of getting married? I’ve always thought that getting married was something like giving your other half a substantial promise. Ok then here comes the problem. If the relationship is that loving as it is supposed to be, why cant it survive on an emotional promise? Why must marriage be brought into the picture? Technically u can just be each other’s boyfriend and girlfriend forever? Okay let’s put sex aside first okay? Sex just makes everything so much more complicated. It’s as if by getting married u’re making sure the other half CANNOT GET AWAY WITH IT AS EASY AS HE/SHE INITIALLY COULD, cos your friends and family would have known that u sealed the deal. This probably boils down to insecurities? Haha I think when you bring in insecurity as the reason to get married I think it is more justified. They say, “IF NOT SECURE ENOUGH THEN IN THE FIRST PLACE THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO BE!”. But I think insecurity in this case is regarding the degree. No matter what, in every relationship I think there has to be some degree of insecurity? As little as it can be, I imagine having insecurity in every relationship? Ah whatever. Maybe it’s cos I’m too used to insecurity?? Numb liao HAHAH.
I don’t think about singlehood too much. I think I’m too much of a coward to think about it also? And I don’t want to submit myself to this route so early in my life. I think it’s my self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I think about it, the more I will accept that it’s my fate? It’s too scary.
I’ve thought about for the past few days and I think that my desperado phase is finally over. Oh thank god. I hope this is permanent. Firstly I don’t think it’s good for my mental health nor is it the correct mindset to have either. Maybe watching glee helped. Was catching up the episodes. The thing about glee is that the issues that they bring up, albeit American, is still quite applicable to a typical teenager. So it was like my daily bread? Haha watching it everyday right, all the issues like seem to apply to my life at that very moment leh! –weird- but anyway I am glad that I didn’t curb my desperado thoughts. Or else I think the phase would last a lot longer than it ideally should.
laughed at 3:44:00 PM