Sunday, September 30
havent been blogging as much as i'd want to, but here i am again!
i know i said i would come up with some one post per day shit even if i didnt have anything to blog but omg i dont even have time for that. hell, i dont even have anything nice to take a picture of and put it over here; except for people of course. but i wna take pictures of objects. representations of my memories. so when i see a particular picture, it triggers a paticular memory and i have something to think about again WHEE.
it's abit weird cos i just realised that there are times whereby i think i thrive negative feelings. hatred and the lack of confidence etc. must be quite sick huh. hahahahaha it's just that sometimes i realise i am more cheerful around the people i've decided that i dont like.
('dont like' seems to have stronger connotations to other people than to me. but what i mean is just that i am not interested to maintain a strong bond with that person. and there are times it is because i think that that person's values are below me.)
it scares me actually. that i can be so relaxed. so people will say 'wah u look quite happy today uh'. hmm. i dont know. sometimes when people tell me that i am taken aback cos i actually feel very horrible inside but i have no idea why i look happy to them (maybe it's my people adrenaline). good thing to have. it's a good thing. but anw, i dont know if i am so at ease because i have came to a conclusion as to how i would define this particular friend of mine (yes i still consider that person as a friend, even a good friend, just that rest assured i will not be telling you much. yes u have a space in my heart [my heart is extremely spacious with space for so many people that i love] but it is not a special space) or i am just evil. do i really subconsciously purposely hide my dislike? eww. that's not the person i want to be.
why am i so evil? is everyone else like that? or is it only me? to be honest i'd rather it be only me. then that makes humans so much more a pretty thing. if everyone else thought like me and were equally evil, Mankind is just ugly. (like we arent ugly enough now) but if i were the only evil one then it's okay. because never in my life would i exploit these evil thoughts. but if i have thoughts for changing into a better person, does that make me a good person or still a bad person.
like if a selfish person wants to be selfless, and does as much things as possible to be a selfless person, even trying to think selflessly; but all these attempts are not natural. like that person will still have to make an effort to remind him/herself to be selfless, not an instinctive reaction, then is that person considered to be selfish or selfless?
too many things to think about, too little time.
thank god for music these days. whether it's the one playing in my mp3 or the ones playing in my head (i especially love it when that happens). it's like the only thing that i can consider mine. it's like we can be both listening to the same song but what i feel and what i enjoy is definitely different from what you feel and what you enjoy. the good thing is that something like that can never be tested so i can just stand by my pov. feelings are something that you can minimise but you cant control. but for music, at least i get to have a choice as to what i want to feel and enjoy. another thing i love about music is that it is not exclusive. you dont need to be good at making music to enjoy it. like you can sing your own song and it can be out of tune to other people's ears but if in your head it is the best song ever, then it's good cause at the end of the day, u benefit from the joy derived from listening to music. it's so naise. just to do that. i dont need to specially go listen to a 'good song'. i can enjoy a crappy song and there would be nothing wrong about it!
DAEBAK.kwa.
laughed at 12:51:00 AM