Friday, October 19

okay so in the end cult night turned out not as bad as expected. i honestly expected it to be quite horrigible. thanks to the friends who came down and supported me, thanks to the friends who helped me relax, thanks to my fellow music makers who thought i wouldnt pull through, thanks to the friends who gave me that little confidence about my music that i never had and thanks to the friends who were proud of me like how my mum would be.

now that that is over, i just have to get rid of my stage fright and conquer What's Up by 4-nonblondes and Shake It Up.

School life is hectic as usual. there really isnt much to be joyful about in school actually; and everyone is extremely dull because they are so stressed. it doesnt show when they joke around and stuffs but u know that everyone's feeling the heat. and the thing about stress is that u dont see it. you really dont see it. it's a feeling. a FWEELING. it's like an aura of darkness that engulfs you. and then u start to get suspicious. you dont trust. i realise many people dont trust. why? ok no point asking why cos i know the answer too. it's like after they say something, they are scared that they might have said too much. idk but then after they start sharing something then they get addicted and cannot stop sharing. maybe that contributes to the fear as well.

but why mistrust? some of them mistrust and they make additional effort to mistrust. i find it quite tiring honestly. secure, but tiring. why do that to yourself? i'm trying to trust but this class of people are not helping me. in such a 'sinister situation' it's difficult to trust, difficult to lift your mood. but i must conquer all odds. i am going to trust and i am going to be genuinely happy.

yes, why do that to yourself? the thing about suspicion is quite ironic i think. cos there's the possibility that you may be speculating about something that might not be happening at all. hahahaha sounds like and not-like insurance: buying a What-If. somehow insurance just has more positive connotations than suspicion. i guess you'd be considered to be buying insurance for ur feelings? i mean, fweelings. HAHA. 'feelings' is sucha mushy word HEH.

yes, back to my question: why do that to yourself? yes tiring. it's like how the Mother in 我可能不會愛你 said. sometimes letting go is being nicer to yourself. i want to be nicer to myself. why let myself undergo so much torment when i can just be happier? if i want to live in a society where there are no suspicions, and everyone thinks positive about themselves and each other (OKAY I KNOW IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN) then dont i have to take the first step?

and i want to make mistakes. what is life if you dont make mistakes? if i do so much just so that i dont make the wrong choice, then i am going to miss out on so much in life. it's like getting into a relationship. i've heard some friends with extremely high expectations. they are just bent on not getting together with the wrong guy. but i want to fall madly in love and fall terribly out of it for once. it's not only about knowing that it is extremely painful or wasting time getting back up on your feet. it's the richness of the emotion. besides, how am i to make good music without these dimensions. it will make me a better person. but sadly, yes. no such chance yet

my mum honestly doesnt believe it when i said no-such-chance-yet. hahaha obviously i said it in laymen (or whatever amen) terms to her.yet

Things on my mind now:
1. jiarong's picnic (idk but i know there's SOMETHING MISSING! #worstfweelingever
2. idk if i should go home today and give my kid tuition or stay in school and study until tmr then pia home and go straight to the picnic. if i go home today, then i give tuition tonight, i can go come back to school on saturday night and spend the whole sunday in school. but then this means that i would have 0 family time and i am desperately homesick for my father, my mother, my bed, my rabbits and of course those 2 monsters. my mum said that it's ok if i dont come back cos i should finish up my work but my work is neverending and YES I AM HOMESICK! so if i dont go home today, i will study in school but most likely will end up playing unless everyone decides to sleep early tonight but there're quite a number of people staying in today so quite unlikely. but this means that i have to give tuition on sunday morning and then come into hall in the afternoon. i supposedly can come in after lunch, then at least still have sunday aftnn onwards to do homework like um, THAT FREAKING EXPO! but given my level of homesickness and how i rubbertime at home, i confirm will come in after dinner one. and there you go, ANOTHER WEEKEND. omg why does syc seem so time-consuming?! no i cannot think that it's a daunting experience or else it will be.
3. accounting, expo, and fom
4. trying to NOT think about my horrible results or the test
5. sleep
6. food
7. trying to NOT think about food
8. and many other things.