Tuesday, March 12
havent blogged in one month.
haha seriously, has it really been so long? of course it hasnt felt so long cos i've been writing in other places. i write my blog posts in other places wanting to transfer some parts over but i never really get down to doing it. so here i am (the one that you love, asking for another day~~)
let's start with the days when i lost my voice.
"day #7.5 of lost voice. lost voice on different levels but still lost. for the first few days it was such a joy, such a relief. the loss of a voice to me was like.... being in my own world kind of trance. it was nice to be in my on world for once. i had a good valid reason to not include anyone. besides the no pressure to be funny, be noisy, smile, make others smile ( i love making some people smile. but for others it becomes like a chore or responsibility). i have no freaking idea why having no voice can be related to having my own world, but its really like i can hear myself think. plus with data gone again, fb, twitter, whatsapp gone, i'm happy. i cant believe i'm okay with it, becos i can be such a people person also #splitpersonality101.
but now that it is day 7.5, i am freaking worried.
people dont see it but i've been scared for the past 2-3days. i've never lost my voice this bad before. not this long either. you what's so bad about this time? it's that i have my speaking voice but no singing voice. if i have no singing voice i swear i'd rather remain silent forever. AND EVER.
not being able to sing pop songs.. nvm. i need a break someday. and well, at most i change genre :( speaking of pop songs, i stand by appreciating every type of music and speaking for the music instead of the music-maker. so i absolutely hate it when people insult the song. esp when it comes from people whom i thought had music integrity. haha lame right~ but clarence and gabriel didnt UGH! i dont care, i'm gna prove to them on vday that i can make it work -determined- anw it's not about singing nice songs that can make one great. it's about singing irritating and lousy songs and making them good ones.
but today it's not about jamband or singnstrum. it's about choir. i really love choral singing. dont know how to make people understand that but it represents me. singing in a choir since 9 years old. and even though every now and then i get slightly bored, annoyed, sick of it, overall i still love it. jiarong says that doing syc and sch is starting to get abit tiring and she's thinking of quitting and you know what, i agree. but if i were to be really honest with myself, i cannot quit syc. i may be abit cliche to say this, but i cannot live without choir i cannot live a fulfilling life without having a place to singing choir stuffs. oh the latin language is so nice~ and when i joined syc in the first place it wasnt for fun, or for the glory to proe that i could (fyi in those days u sorta had to be damn good to join), or cos i ha nth else to do, but cos i wanted to sing for life"
i was writing this post during prac, sitting at the back cos i lost my voice. the only reason why i didnt try for any single position in syc was cos i wanted to join syc forever. i know politics is inevitable, but for once i wanted to sing for the sake of singing. idk much that's happening behind the scenes of syc but i get the feeling that there's lotsa politics behind and when you get too involved with the choir to a certain point, it's inevitable that u are rolled into the politics. the committee trusts u more and thus scrutinises u more? idk i just dont want to be unhappy that way and spoil my syc experience. but nowadays i think they are doubting how much i'm really committed to the choir. alright i'm getting very busy with schoool but hello when i start working, what if i'm this busy also? i get this feeling that they think that uni is getting into my head and stuffs but i'm growing up and trying to juggle everything also. i really just want to try -cues Pink's Try.- (that's another sad song) but why dont they trust me? ahh but that's all feel la. like this weds i have some recording shit for CAEN and cant go for prac. well i told and huijun and i take her unusual silence as slight disapproval.
and then there was the hocc post:
"i swear pms is the worst mood to be in, period. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
cos of dance i've had a good break from some people. not sure if i should get used to it though.. and it's quite funny how some people dont realise that dance was always an excuse OOPS. and others well, they dont care or they've been to busy fraternising.
but anw post dance, i wanna congratulate all dancers. WE ALL MADE IT GAIZ! of course winning it made the experience slightly better cos the whole srethgie was so happy after that.
but honestly i wasnt as happy about getting first as compared to having aced the dance and enjoyed that performance. haha "aced" @chained(or unchained i kennot [haha kennot] remember)melodies( or is it memories? i confused again). having sung and performed in a choir for 10 years (oh god it was really long... yeah and u guys must wonder [makes me wonder] what exactly is it about this art that made me stay on for so long), this was actually the first time that i really treated it as any other practise but it was my bestest run. in choir we're supposed to reach that level whereby ur muscles know what to do automatically already but u must make music. in short it means u must instinctively know what to do but it must be an active performance. no auto-pilot and maximum (good) music-making. now i finally finally really understand what they mean by practicing so many times that the actual performance is like any other run. idk if it's supposed to feel like that for dance but yeah it helped me with choir. i need to put this part into choir and put the singing with people thing into dance. personally i felt like i was as fresh as i possibly could.
yet when i rewatch and scrutinise my moves, they still werent perfect so i felt like i've been a let down"
i stopped after that and i have a feeling it's cos i reached my mrt station LOL.
but continuing, yeah i'm quite lag when it comes to emotions so i felt quite bad when everyone else cried during hocc but me. but like what i told jiinn and aly, i really didnt really care THAT much if we won or not cos i joined srethgie for the process and being a better performer. wanting to sing be it in a choir or pop or jamband or whatever requires like some performer spirit to take over my body. i'm the most heavily ridden person when it comes to stage fright. no one can beat me i swear. sing in choir for so freaking long alr still can like that leh. so to me, one day before hocc, i had already fulfilled my promises already.
but one day before hocc during that prac, i was that close to tears. i was so frustrated with myself for not being able to get locking. i really wanted to win then already. i wanted to win not for myself but for the rest. the seniors, the choreographers, the yr4s who danced in spite of fyp, the in-charges. i danced for myself for the whole process but the winning i wanted it for them. they deserve it sooooo much i swear. i'm not comparing how much we deserved to win compared other halls just that i had reasons for wanting them to win cos i saw the effort and heart put into it.
so many people say aiyaa hall8 no wonder win la. so many mj dancers. wah i didnt think that i would feel this way when people say this but there was this irritation when ruijie said it the other day, and a few other times. in my impression he keeps talking about it. maybe not always but everytime he talks to me it's about us winning hocc. it's like we won and we're not even talking about it anymore but he's still on it. or maybe he just realises that he really really loves dance ohwell idk haha.
it's like the number of mj dancers discounted the effort put in. not saying that we put in the most effort compared to other halls again. i'm just saying that it doesnt mean that we dont need to put in any effort.
ok la i havent really heard anyone saying anything about this. but every dance team has something to love and i want to say what's to be loved and praised about srethgie. firstly the choreographing, we do it ourselves and for some of the choreographers it's like their first time choreographing only! it's like the feeling u do ur first song arrangement. the song is like ur baby u know. u are scared that u will ruin it's life and everything. aiya idk la never choreographed before but there is so much uncertainty and insecurity when it's the first time doing something and u have to give them so credit for that. good job for a successful choreography guys! and thanks for pulling us through even though it wasnt really in place until the very end. (particularly to locking and aizah). aiya idk what to say. it's just 'good job on the choreo' x100 in emotions.
and it's not like we join srethgie based on merit. they didnt hold auditions. u just joined the sharing sessions and then when it came to which items we could do for hocc we could just fill up a google spreadsheet. google spreadsheet leh. it wasnt even like raise hand to see who want to dance in what. so it's like u dont need to be paiseh with what u wna join! it's ur choice and ur responsibility with regards to what item u wanted to do.
and then in EVERY segment confirm got one non-mj dancer. and CONFIRM got one non-dancer. i can safely say that cos jiinn and i were in every segment. ok not the the closing mj part but we were still in the closing! and they say that the chain is only as strong as its weakest link. and in dance esp so cos one person can spoil the entire picture. so it's not like they only used the mj dancers for most of the 6min. and it's not like we stood out cos we did very badly or wdv...
so i want to thank the choreographers, in-charges and mj dancers for believing that we could do it (or at least saying that u believed even if u didnt) and trusting us enough to let us choose our own segments.
and then the people. ohman too much to say and i dont know how long this hype will last but i'm really glad i made this bunch of friends and well, just in case it doesnt last for long, i can safely say that it was a good run while it last :) too many things to say to too many people and they wouldnt see it anyway so i shouldnt bore the others. and the birdbirds... idk how to say this but i really love u guys. dont know how much yall love me but aiyah. i feel like i went through army shit with a bunch of people and emerged close. (HOLD YOUR HORSES AND YADAYADA, ARMY GRADUATES! IT'S JUST A LIGHT REFERENCE) yeah idk i feel like that also cos not like we really REALLY bonded damn strong and for damn long through this hocc... but then again maybe it's these friendships that really last. i certainly hope so.
ok then recess week. i wanted to get some work done and not go out at all. but in the end, i didnt really not go out at all, neither did i have too much fun going out many many times. i didnt get much work done also, it's like i spend alot of time but it doesnt feel like anything has been done. if this is what they mean by a work-life balance, idk if i really want it or not, or if i'm just not used to it. cos this inbetween feeling is leaving me hanging and i feel quite queasy hahaha.
so beginning of recess week on saturday, went to syc and then went to walk around clarke quay with srethgie after that. found a place to sit down and order drinks and food, then continued walking around again. talked to a few people. i'm glad i did.
sunday went out to celebrate zhengyang's birthday with him and mervin. oh i love these two boys. i really have no image whatsoever with these two. haha it's like i dont need to care if i order too much or say too stupid or mean or nonfunny things. i also dont need to care if i dress too ugly, too little or too cui when i go out with them hahah just go only! really glad that zhengyang felt like he had a fulfilling birthday. that boy has some issues but i just trust that he knows that i'll be there if he needs help cos i know he wants and needs to settle it himself also.
monday was pulai falls. i kept telling people that i was dreading the trip cos initially i thought it was quite a waste of money plus i didnt have any time to do anything that recess week alr (with cult night coming up then and all) but in the end it was super fun! omg the waterfall was soooooo awesome I WANT TO GO AGAIN!!! i swear the waterfall was the bestest part and climbing the rocks also damn fun sia! now to think of it idk how to have so much fun one but i really had. a much-needed break. plus there was joan and kevin whom i wasnt really close to on the trip also! now less awkward with them individually liao. and i love the pulai falls pictures (just saying~) was so shagged and happy when i came back. then there was this spontaneous jamband cult night prac cos we didnt want to do a saturday prac. so we just prac for 1 hr without the keyboardist.
tuesday is lab+study with lamlam (so much for this girl idk what to say)+recrea tchoukball with lynn (gotta thank this biatch for helping me even though i was so lousy cos the other 2 newbies were seasoned netballers WHERE GOT NEWBIE?!) so ruijie sean and yuanming was there also . and sean brought chang the bangkok beer also HAHAH omg it engaged so many parts of my body that i had been wanting to for a long time but couldnt manage to. HAHAHA sounds slightly wrong right~~
wednesday i did something in the morning i cant remember and then i went to study at coffeebean before syc. u really gotta love that place. and after that i went home... thursday was supposed to meet lamlam again but i was busy settling my flight and shits so had to pangseh :( MIANEH! i miss my rabbits man. #random then thursday night go back in again for sns cult night prac. the cellist is freaking funny i swear. cos he's so serious all the time when he niaos the people he's close to it's quite funny haha.
friday morning there was elective, then engi sci meeting (never even got anything done lol.) and then dance cult night prac, then went out for movie YAY! omg there's just sth about movies that i like... and it's quite expensive some u know! we bought in shilin and sharetea yam smoothie. holy shit that meal was so good. i think i havent eating shilin for too long alr. didnt know it tasted sooooo good! plus the sharetea! omg can die please hahaha after that came back to hall, ran through the songs abit with victoria, clarence joined in abit to jam, then go study liao. and again, like never do anything like that..
saturday syc, and then i rushed back home to ask gabriel some questions and went home for awhile to bathe (the house was empty cos my parents are in japan [lucky right... it's not second honeymoon but long story.] and my siblings were at cousins' house) and then there was a power short BUT I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK ON! stupid right.... and i lived in that home 2 years liao.. ok minus the rv hostel and ntu hall days i guess maybe i can forgive myself a little. had to like open the doors and play videos on my ipad while bathing cos i was actually freaking out LOL. THEN I WENT TO ZOUK TEEHEE! not shiok enough cos usually i dance until like mad for quite long and get quite shagged but with the dancers idk it didnt happen. maybe cos we only went in at 1 plus, and phuture had better music but freaking crowded, zouk had okay music and okay crowd plus we had too many people so i spent quite some time just looking around zouk wts.. waste time! but still omg FINALLY AFTER SOOOOO LONG. #mustgogayclubwithshervononeday
sunday cult night...
i need to find my recording. this is the first time i actually want to hear how i sounded like cos i did three sooooo different songs. zombie was scary for me but i actually want to face the consequences. billie jean was as good as it could get and angel. i almost cried while singing that. really u know like during pracs sometimes i get into the song and i feel like crying and sometimes i'm just trying to sing it. but on sunday i really wanted to the cry. if not for the fact that i looked up at the right time and zhengyang was like right in front and gave me the smile that said "i know we both love this song" "thank you for syc for doing the choral version of this song and bringing this song into our lives" "i know u relate to the chorus as much as i do" "let's be suicidal together", i think i really would have cried. idk how it's possible but i relate to every freaking line of the song. especially the verse. there are some things that i still cant bring myself to tell some people so i cant explain how i really relate to the song. and yc and aizah said they cried also. i cant rmb if yc said he cried or teared but omg u guys have no idea how important that was to me. i really wanted to sing for people to know how i feel and to find people who understood the song like how i understood it. really i still cant believe it. to aizah and yc, thank you so much for receiving my song thank you. and i wanted to sing zombie for srethgie one sia. like really for them. like put all the gusto in. but the boys insisted it should be the first song and i stupidly believed that the dance people will be there right at the beginning cos they came in literally right after i finished. sarks like hell. i wanna find the audio for them to hear. now i just gotta find a place to upload so that not the whole world hears it HEH.
but i really loved the whole cult night. THANKS TO ALL WHO CAME! actually this cult really meant alot to me cos the songs meant alot, difficulty wise, performance wise, lyrics wise and emotion wise. now the only regret i have was that my parents missed all of it :(
laughed at 5:42:00 PM