Tuesday, April 16

This is so good that it requires a post all by itself.

like you dont actually realise what you're reading until u reach the last point then the first 2 starts to sink in. or at least for me. BWAHAHAH. idk about 'primary' but i do know that these are definitely needs.

1. Disguise
i relate to this as the need to have two different sides of yourself. it's not to protect urself from schemes, not to make urself more attractive to others. it's to protect yourself from yourself. it's to have a home to go to when u've finished a busy day. it's ur own arms to return to when you yearn for the comfort you cannot express, when you feel pain that you dont understand. that's when you take off your disguise, and let your skin breathe. u're not being insecure. u're not being wary. it's okay to have a disguise. it's to safe yourself from insanity

2. Journey
you need to keep moving. just keep swimming. actually it doesnt really matter if you want to or not. beccause u will keep moving. life's current will bring you to places. people come and go like the scenes u see from a moving train's window. everynow and then when you turn back and look to your other side a different person will be beside you. but it's okay. they add value to u and u them. oh forget it. sometimes they dont even add value. they make you bleed. but that is even better. u look at those scars and each one of them has a story to tell.


This is one of the gospels written by Steve Dobrogosz

no matter which road you choose to take, i'm glad to have had a footstep in it :)

3. Being a Child
this is so important that many people dont understand. it's not about being childish, about reliving your younger days. neither is it whining. some people think that children have had it so easy. but have you ever really went through a part of your life that u found easy? mostly only in retrospect for me. letting yourself go for awhile. neutral, blank, void of emotion. i think i need to learn to do that. give my heart a break, my mind a break, and my soul a break. use your 5 senses for once and stop using the brain... must be really good.

4. Categorisation/Order
i dont like this need but i find that i need it nevertheless. it's the need to compare. i need to compare. idk why but i need to. and somehow it makes sense how everyone needs to compare. if you dont compare yourself with others then you compare yourself with your old self. either way u're still comparing and it aint good but there aint no other way around it. it's just a way of defining who you are. even a simple "i am a girl with a loving family", u must have compared what is a loving family to urs and thus defined urs as a loving one so screw this need. but oh hang on, i need it too.

5. Rest from People
This is the most ironic need of them all cos sometimes i think i need a rest from myself too.

i hate how the human psychology works. that we cant establish what is fair or not, that we skew our thoughts according to first impressions and what we want to think.

that being said, i hate the human society even more. i hate it when some people strive to make tweaks just so that things 'remain fair' like constance tan with the pw groups. ok i probably feel that way because i was in that group. and then there's the fm prof, that we have to study hard because we have a scholarship. i want to study my hardest. but not because i have a scholarship. i study because i have an obligation to study and become a better person for the society that i am part of. not because i have an obligation to the society for paying taxes and my education. what now? so students have no scholarship have less of an obligation to study their damn hardest? this is like the saying that students ought not to sit on public transport because they pay the student price which is cheaper. Thus they deserve a standing position of lesser comfort instead of a seat with higher comfort which apparently corresponds to a higher fee.

that point aside, i really hate how we are trying to make life fair when its never going to be. i am not talking about achieving balance in life or helping the impoverished attain a certain standard of living (that being said, i think that the poor will always be there due to the human nature of wanting to compare and climb over each other. that innate desire to rank. the poor will always be poor. someone always will be at the bottom. once again i'm not saying that someone always has to be at the bottom but that someone will always be at the bottom. but that aside,). but believing that life is actually fair because it will never be. 

then we are put under the pressure that we can achieve what some people can and we cannot for now. we keep striving for some things that we really are never going to attain. or at least not all of us are. there's this social stigma that everyone has something that they are good in. like "oh this person is not good in this but good in that." like, "at least u have this what.." but why is there a need to be especially good in something? why cant we just be ordinary. (ok yes we are ordinary so that others can be extraordinary) why is it that when someone is good at something he or she is put in a certain category. why why why. why do you want to categorise me? why is there a need to? sometimes when people say i can sing. idk. they are praising me. but they say it with so much jealousy that i get uncomfortable. i dont wna say that people are jealous of me because its just freaking egoistic but i'm getting uncomfortable. like some friends are not really happy that i did a good run. so many different reactions then i get abit sad. fu2 wo3 but happy fu2. fu2 wo3. but that's it. classified me that i'm just good at music. sometimes it makes me feel like if i cannot sing i am nothing. i hate it when i get that feeling cos i know that i started singing airsupply, abba and my dad's army chants in the jamming sessions in his car when he brings me to phonics lessons. that's where i started singing. i just like to do it. DEAL WITH IT.