Monday, April 22
i'm feeling very lifeless but idk why.
it's not even restless. life-less. not life. empty.
yeah so i was in a pseudo-zone ytd with econs. was tired, then i decided to take out my ukulele and do some shit. recorded it, put it on tumblr, and omg i had my first self-recorded piece! quality sucked tho. cos i could hear the air move in the background.
but when i finished singing i felt more alive. i like that. but why cant i feel alive without it?
and u know my attitude is always in a cycle. there's always the cynical i dont give a damn about what u think i'm just gna "be myself" and then there's the yeah this my happy face that i'm giving you. i'm ok with that. happy face only ma!
recently it's the i dont give a damn about what u think and i'm just gna be myself but without the cynical. if i dont come and talk to u and u feel like we are drifting apart from what we used to be then come and talk to me or we just sua ok! but u dont talk to me in that 'i give up on our friendship tone' or 'let's just keep it as that'. if i dont talk to u but we were once close, i'm just really busy or i trust that we have more time in the future to 'keep up' if that security is really what you need. because some friends i seriously want to keep but either i dont express enough on my part or idk... :/
ok but then again, there are some people whom totally cut off and expect everything to go back to the same. or like 'oh i've been there done that with you now let me move on'. sometimes i feel like rups collected me and now i'm just in his 'collection'. well maybe that's my insecurity on my part.
i'm so contradictory i dont even know where to start haha.
stress levels on the rise but drive is equally dead. no drive. ok i'm gna try shifting my mindset. instead of maximising productivity i shall try maximising drive. at least its the best i can do.
laughed at 12:42:00 PM