I'm writing this on the way out of troyes to the Charles de Gaule airport and having a very sentimental moment right now. This level of emotions is similar to the level of homesickness i had at the beginning of the trip. It was really quite bad. The shuttle service took the route past the school and i got really sentimental. Al the times i've had, good or bad, all the people that i'll never see again, i really felt like crying. These 5 weeks were truly an experience. I know that it's cliche but it's truly an experience.
I've learnt so so much, more than i could ever ask for. I thought that it would be just fun and learn new things but i've relearnt so many things, learnt even more new things and idk what to say. Verge of tears. I am leaving this place with new dreams. New dreams u know. Meeting so many different people: singaporeans, americans, french. Like, wow. The experience has taught me that there's so much more to life than reassuring your future, trying to know everything, or rather trying to plan everything so that you dont make mistakes. It's more than needing other people to reaffirm your credibility or your worth. Because u know what, we are worth nothing. We are only worth something when we make ourselves out to be something.
I've been using YOLO so many times on this trip but i think that comes across more like living for yourself. i mean, life's about the experience aint it? but life is not only about yourself. You live for yourself, your family, your friends, your dreams. You just live. I've spent so long trying to figure what's going on whenever wherever. I think i've had enough of that for now. For now i've managed to convince myself to take things as they come. I'm coming to terms with feeling secure with uncertainty. These are times when having a religion would help. Like you know, whatever god that i pray to has a plan for me will make me feel so much better about all the uncertainty. But i will have to make do with self-delusion for now.
I've seen so much good in france. Going out and smiling and saying hello to people just because i'm thinking:
Imma tourist.
I have a right to be weird and smiling at random things
I have a right to be taking pictures of everything.
I have a right to be excited with my friends at just about EVERYTHING,
And i most absolutely have a right to talk to every dog in french with the minimal french vocabulary that i own.
Makes me think what i've been doing with my life. I cant even remember when was the last time i went out in singapore. I think that was one semester ago.
Life is really so much much more than gpa. I keep telling myself that but it's so difficult to believe it when everyone around me doesnt live with that motto. I know we all believe so and want to believe so that life is so much more than grades but do we really believe so? I think that this motto only applies as much as our gpa comfortably allows. At the end you still allow yourself to take part in as many activities as long as my gpa is within -inserts high gpa- range. Now that summer studies are over the new sem seems to be this impending doom that i'm gonna face. last sem wasnt good enough because i wasnt disciplined. but i'm not sure if i can be so for the upcoming one too.
Ah well, we are in singapore's eduation system. No matter how much we lament, the situation is going to stay that. Even if it changes, then too bad for us cos we've passed it alr.
For now, i'm just excited for camps camps and camps, hope the juniors will have an awesome time. I gotta get into camp mode already. Some people say i'm permanently in camp mode but nah i think being a GL is so much different. In the meantime, i have to save money for my new dream. Save lots and lotsa moneyyyyyyyyy
Ps, we went out to a few bars with the americans and that tanwanyan scared the shit out of me by walking ahead when we were trying to get through a crowd. (Anw i love it when random guys see that you are trying to get through the crowd and they are stationary, they will take your hand and guide you through a better route, like standing on the fastforward arrow on sonic racing. #frenchguys ok maybe cos it hasnt happened in singapore yet okokok). This stoooooopiak woman, 敢敢跟我闹失踪. Hello how old liao sia?!! Before she got lost she was feeling faint and no joke i tell you. I see her whole face white and she was literally breaking out in cold sweat. I think it was the entire bar atmosphere. But really, once we went out to sit she immediately felt ok. Then we were sitting there and talking for awhile, then there was a bunch of middleaged looking men behind wanyan looking at our direction. (I only really thought about this on hindsight). So we were trying to find the other americans cos t hey just trailed off leaving another group of their people behind. Deep and martin were behind me, then suddenly wanyan was gone. I was like OMG WANYAN ISNT WITH U GUYS?!! (Speaking of deep and martin i sorta miss them already. We could have had so much more fun if we had gotten to know each other earlier! And i blame myself for falling asleep in their room on the last night. We didnt do any freaking thing at all. Sad face sad face.) and they were like, no she's not! I was literally freaking out man. I was thinking if people drugged her which direction would they go. And i was telling myself that i would never go home if i didnt find her i swore to god (as in like figuratively, please dont take offence). Omg when i found her i was like holy lord.... I really 胡思乱想 like mad. My Freaking Out Meter hit the roof already. Ok technically it didnt hit the roof cos when i was looking for her i was outside so there was no roof whatsoever on my head.
Oh speaking of 胡思乱想, cos utt was very nice and sent us off on different shuttle services according to our flight timings. The shuttle timing that i was allocated was quite ulu like ntu. Only got me and charlotte. So the previous times i sent the others off on their shuttle right, it was a minivan that came cos they had like 5 or 6 people on the same shuttle. But the shuttle that came to pick us up was like a car. After we got on and the sentimental moments passed, the woman took like a sudden left turn out of the main highway. And i was like omg what if this woman is not the shuttle at all?!! What if she's actually planning to kidnap us and sell us off?!! So i told charlotte and she laughed at me. Meh. But we looked out for signs and the direction of the setting sun. And we were going to paris. But just now i looked at her eyes through the rear view mirror and i imagined an sinister flash in them. And then i imagined that she's releasing this sleeping gas in the car that she's immune to to make us fall asleep (charlotte's already asleep) cos she's some psychotic kidnapper. I'm tired but it's cos i only slept 4 hours last night and the night before. But i'm gna hang in there and not sleep and not fall prey to her plan hieh hieh...
So i'm gna continue blogging even though there's so much things that i can blog but if i talked about all of them i think even 3000 words also not enough sia. I'm getting worried. I didnt check underneath my bed before i left the room cos we left in sucha hassle and it is absolutely possible tjat something important went underneath the bed that i didnt take. I think it was my moisturising cream :/ and i'm also so worried that my luggage weight cannot 过关. How sia... Damn expensive leh!
And i scared that my eiffel tower ( i bought a huge 2D metal eiffel tower) cannot fit into the top shelf and i gotta put it inbetween my legs for the whole flight.
And i wish i wish i have time later to pick up sth for victoria, the band guys and a shot glass for amelia.
Omg so many things could go wrong and i am so freaking out right now muahahahh
I dont really like the html of my blog. I want to center the entire outlook but the <center></center> tags are not working. And sometimes the formatting just screws me updownleftright heh.