Wednesday, January 29
"The worst part about being sad is that you dont even know what makes you happy anymore."
I'm happy i think, or maybe i dont have anytime to feel anything HAHA. i'm happy when i'm with my family, i'm happy when i'm with my friends. i'm happy when i'm eating, when i'm sleeping, right after i take a bath, when i play with garageband, even when i'm in some lessons. like the civil mods. i actually like the civil mods..... maybe cos i understand some parts then there is some form of accomplishment at the end of the lecture HAHA. but yeah time.. i'm going through this phase in life where i am busy, and almost every part of my schedule has something, and yet time seems to be passing slowly. like i feel like yesterday was so far away. dont get me wrong. i am not suffering every moment of my life i'm actually quite enjoying it. but i've never experienced anything like this before lols.
but ok maybe this is pms. i dont feel happy i dont feel sad. ok i feel sad,but i ignore/bury/deny my sadness. so does that make me sad?
yes happiness is contentment. but where is the line u draw between being content and settling? do i really want to settle? why cant i challenge myself everyday? ok i know liaos. i need to challenge myself, and yet not feel discontented with whatever i achieve or cannot achieve? yeah it's just treating discontentment, failure, unhappiness with a pinch of salt. take it lightly, maybe even nonchalently, then i'll be happy.
but then wouldnt i be running from the issue? woldnt i be ignoring, burying ,and denying my sadness? then am i really happy? why do i even want to define omg. does it really matter if i'm happy or sad? huh? tell me germaine? why are u so weird.
Christina gave me 2 qns today. why are you so mean? why are u so weird?
yeah sometimes i get quite mean. u shld hear my thoughts sometimes. i have quite bad thoughts. but if i dont act on them, does that make me good or bad? uh uh uh germaine there u go again. does it really matter? is it important that u are a good person? ok maybe it's not, maybe it is. - cues taylor swift's mean in the background - sometimes when imagine that there is someone around me that can read my thoughts and i quickly think that the fact that i believed someone's reading my thoughts will negate his or her power to read my thoughts. like he or she will suddenly become blind or deaf whatever it is called to my thoughts. SHO SMARTS RAAAIGGGHHTTTT. i amgoing to get so much bad karma for
"i was afraid to be alone and now i'm scared rhat's how i like to be."
i really think i'm meant to be alone. like #bornthisway. not in the relationship love love way but in like a general way. i get used to being alone so so so well. No, comfort in solitude is different from being suited for aloneness. Dont wna use "loneliness". It's too emo, some would say ;)
laughed at 2:30:00 AM