Tuesday, December 9

It has been an awesome sem, traveling almost every weekend, with awesome people.

Thanks to everyone who has been a part of it, helped me make coming here easier, be it studying or having fun or just relieving the homesickness.

But I think I gotta step it up next sem.

I have been pretty passive in everything. Ok I've come to a conclusion that I only enjoy anything that I'm active it; if I give my all to it.

School work, I've just been not doing anything, which makes me hate it. Like for example ieor, I've been doing things, but I'm so emotionally disconnected to it that I'm not enjoying the work. Early in the sem working with michelle I decided that I'm just going to do whatever she asks me to do but I end up producing substandard products that I'm not proud of and the entire experience just felt like a waste of time.

Like I'm enjoying drawn to scale because I actually dedicated myself to you. Okay not exactly all of me, but more of me compared to other things.

Like how I was so unhappy in syc just before I quit, because I just couldn't dedicate so much of me to it so I was miserable not enjoying it.

I need to learn how to isolate personal interests, passion and emotion from whatever I do, because there are going to be projects, moments, groups, people that I have to work with, know and get along with but at the end I have to leave them and they will leave me, I need to learn how to be genuine and give my all to my work and relationships but emotionally detached to it. 

Because in the end even if my friends don't come back to me, at least we had a fun run. What? I mean fuck them. 

In other news my voice is still pretty bad and I'm so afraid I can't sing choir again. I'm so afraid. When Evan let one of his singing friends listen to one of my covers and she said my voice was so damaged I broke down because my worst fears came true. Ok in the end it was just acid reflux, but acid reflux can be that thing also. I don't want to be a pitch perfect bimbo but that is a real problem. Evan tried to do damage control like my voice still can sound good or whatever fuck but the point is I need to be a singer who can sing properly without damaging her voice, not just sounding fucking nice.

Ok. I officially became so much more vulgar coming here. But I'm serious, girls are not judged for being vulgar here like why is not happening in Singapore HAHA